Lauren Burnham is sharing the way her current pregnancy feels after experiencing a heartbreaking miscarrriage in May 2020. Burnham, who has a two-year-old daughter with husband Arie Luyendyk, announced she was pregnant with twins in December and is due in June.
“This time around has been different to say the least,” Burnham wrote in an Instagram post. “The darkness that surrounds a loss is something not easily forgotten. The months of mourning, the months of hoping, to now, moments of worry.” The 29-year-old continued, “Even in the midst of something as beautiful as new life, that darkness finds its way in to remind me that it did in fact exist. It’s tarnished the blissful ignorance I gleefully experienced the first time around.”
At the same time, Burnham says she feels “proud of this body and what we’ve endured together,” as well as her “second & third babies for growing so well and [I’m] grateful for all the reminders they send me saying, ‘mom, we’re okay.’” The loss she experienced also makes her current pregnancy even sweeter and more rewarding, she explained. “I’m proud of my journey through the darkness, because without that, the light I see now wouldn’t shine quite so bright.”
In May 2020, Burnham shared on YouTube that she experienced what’s referred to as a “missed miscarriage.” Common signs of a miscarriage typically include vaginal bleeding or clotting as well as abdominal pain, according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine. But with a missed miscarriage (also called a silent miscarriage), the person may have no idea they have had a miscarriage because the embryonic tissue and placenta don’t exit the uterus, according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine.
The only sign the person might notice may be their pregnancy symptoms, such as nausea, going away, according to the American Pregnancy Association (APA). With a silent miscarriage, people may only discover or confirm their pregnancy loss when their doctor detects an absence of fetal heart tones during an ultrasound, the APA says.
It’s normal to have feelings of anxiety or depression alongside joy and excitement during a pregnancy after any kind of miscarriage, the Mayo Clinic explains. The grieving process after pregnancy loss can be long, unpredictable, and challenging, as well as different for every individual, SELF reported previously. It’s typically not something you just “get over”—even if and when you become pregnant again. But experts generally say it’s important to acknowledge how you feel, as Burnham did, and be patient with yourself as you process these complex emotions in whatever way makes sense for you.